


Thinking you could live without me

by Akiko_kitsune



Series: Make me crazy, keep me sane [5]
Category: Gintama
Genre: After Courtesan of the Nation, Aftercare, Anal Sex, Angst and Porn, BDSM, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Dom Takasugi, Drunk Gintoki, Dubious Consent, Hurt No Comfort, I have no idea, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Not Safe Sane and Consensual, Overstimulation, Power Imbalance, Power Play, Shibari, Sub Gintoki, Suicidal Thoughts, Swordplay, this fic is a MESS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 16:06:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19833688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_kitsune/pseuds/Akiko_kitsune
Summary: Takasugi wanted someone to accompany him for a night, but maybe this night wasn't a good choice for it.





	Thinking you could live without me

**Author's Note:**

> TW: A lot of mentions and references to Takasugi's suicidal tendencies. Mildly dubious consent due to Gintoki being drunk while sex, but they consent to the scene before.
> 
> I know I repeat it a bit for most of my fics, but it contains a lot of references to Takasugi's suicidal tendencies, it's probably the darkest, the angstiest fic I wrote so far. Please take care.
> 
> The title is from Halsey's "Without me"

Gintoki got pushed at the wall. Someone lock their hand on his mouth before he could utter any word of complaint. There was only one person capable of catching him like that.

"Sh..." Takasugi hummed, moving even closer. "Or you want your dear Shinsengumi to know you're my accomplice?"

Gintoki rolled his eyes. Like Shinsengumi didn't know that already. They had a sweet spot for Gintoki, so they let him roll with it, but who knew for how long...

As long as Takasugi wouldn't make the things complicated. But they both prefer not to think about it.

"You've missed me? I've behaved lately," Takasugi moved closer.

There was something wrong. The more he was pushing himself onto Gintoki, the lower he was. Near the verge of breaking...

Gintoki caressed his cheek while they kissed. He didn't put much thought in that. Just at this point his body naturally moved towards a reassuring gesture even if that was so uncommon for them. He soon retracted his hand. Of course. Takasugi heard what he wanted to say before he even spoke:

“Maybe in some other place?”

“You don’t want to be caught with me?” Takasugi purred but already moved away. He had a room for this night.

The worse he was getting, the more everything needed to be planned. And this night was perfectly planned. It had to be.

They went, as always, to some small side-alley brothel, place well-known by Takasugi to the point the staff would quietly do anything for him. He got to know them only because he was straying around the city to the point of crushing at various places to catch glimpses of light feverish sleep. He crossed through many places, even in Edo, where his name ringed the sound of hope. Sometimes people tend to be foolish, Takasugi got fed up with trying to explain to them that reality worked otherwise.

He only took a key from the older woman in the reception and went to the right room. They would not be interrupted no matter what sounds would get out. Officially, the key was stolen a few days ago, someone broke in and squat in that room for a night.

“You wanted to make out with a mirror?” Gintoki mocked looking around the room. “That would suit you.”

Takasugi moved closer to him. He didn’t know in fact about the mirror in this room. He should get the room he knew or similar, this one was too different. That made his body shiver, something was going differently from what he had planned. He was master in improvisation and stepping on the thin ice, but this night he wasn’t in the best condition for it. And, of course, he couldn’t let Gintoki see what he was feeling. He needed to keep this illusion everything was always going perfectly as planned, that Takasugi had thought everything through. Even the smallest mistake could change the dynamic between them.

Takasugi needed to be in control.

He looked in the mirror at how his body looked in it. He didn’t like it. He spent most of his life somehow hating his physique. At least it could be used to charm man, that was the only advantage of this vulnerable slender body. But to use it that way, he needed to wear it confidently, almost vainly. He needed to maintain this illusion.

“Sometimes it makes me curious what you see,” Takasugi murmured. Maybe it was good enough to lie.

“Nothing good.”

“Liar,” Takasugi murmured silencing him with a kiss. He pushed him down on the mattress and then sat on his thighs. He was so needy this night. But he was going to take whatever he needed.

Gintoki didn’t seem to be bothered by his behaviour. Maybe he added it to the long list of all strange things Takasugi was doing. There was too much to pay mind to every single one of them, Good. He shouldn’t be thinking about it. He should focus on having his hands on his body and he was fulfilling his role so good that night.

"Hm... I don't have any wounds this time," Takasugi hummed as Gintoki's hands gently walked along his waist. "I was careful."

"I wouldn't call it being careful." Takasugi glared at him, but Gintoki was never scared by something like that. "I know you kill him."

"So?"

Gintoki rested his hands on Takasugi's thighs. Like he was getting out of the mood, but at the same time, his grip was strong not to ever let him go. "Shinsengumi started to notice that something bigger was happening. They couldn't only pinpoint you to all this. But when they do, there will be nothing more for you to hide."

"Did you tell them it was me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"You're still my friend."

Takasugi burst into laughter. Not a quiet chuckled he was wearing on most of the times, but loud hysterical one. Almost like he could either do that or burst into crying. Of course, he couldn't show vulnerability. So he kept showing insanity.

“Takasugi." Gintoki's tone went low, it wasn't yet threating, but it could soon become like that. His fingers dug deeper into Takasugi's flesh forcing him to stay. "What are you trying to do?”

“It is not your concern, _friend_.”

Gintoki loosened his grip. His eyes were set low as through their whole conversation. His hands though, even if less forcefully stayed on Takasugi, they moved a bit higher to his waist. Did he startle him so he didn't know what to do? Gintoki should learn how to use his words more properly. It was much powerful and harmful tool that a sword.

His grip tightened once again. And before Takasugi could react, Gintoki threw him down on the mattress and kissed him. Pressed him down with all his weight. Why did this world give him that big body to pressed Takasugi under? It was unfair.

“Now, you’re in a mood for talking?” Gintoki gasped.

"What do you want me to talk about?"

"What's your plan?"

"Destroying the world as I said over and over... Easy to believe, huh?"

"You..." but before Gintoki could end, Takasugi turned upside down their positions and put his fingers on his lips.

"You don't have to know the details. You never had. Only listen to orders. Play your role, Mr Hero."

That was the truth, but as always Gintoki wasn’t pleased with it. They both needed to be reminded about it, to hear it again and again to one day believe it was true.

Gintoki moved his hands tenderly once again. This time they went up to Takasugi’s face.

Takasugi was becoming more used to getting his bandages taken down, he still didn’t like it. He wanted to keep this eye hidden, unable to see the past written on it. Gintoki, on the other hand, was becoming more and more gentle with it. At first, it seemed like was only driven by curiosity, now it was the part he was always giving the most of his attention and love.

Right. The rest was only a body. Something to be used and thrown away.

That eye was the only visible connection between them. The sign of what they both had been through. Gintoki could and one day he definitely would forget about it. Takasugi would be always there marked by the pain and evilness of this world.

"Do you know what was the last thing I saw?" Takasugi asked.

Gintoki would never dare to ask about it himself. He was too afraid of the answer. But it seemed so much less harmful when all he needed was to mutter: "Tell me," while kissing the closed eye.

"I saw you. As you cried. That's what I'm deemed to see for eternity. It binds me to you,” Takasugi said leaning lower to Gintoki. Almost whispering it into his lips. “No matter how would you hurt me, I don't think I could ever hate you. No matter how much I would want to. No matter how easier it would make my life if I hated you."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore." His hands ran so gently along Takasugi’s back as he wanted to show his words were true. But they weren’t. They didn’t mean anything. What they wanted, didn’t mean anything, the world was putting them on the opposite sides, one day they had to pick up their swords and point them against each other. That was how this story was going.

"Then don't repeat you will kill me." He couldn’t ask for anything more. He couldn’t ask for anything. Maybe that was right, he didn’t deserve anything.

"You make me mad sometimes."

"I know."

"You know I would never kill you."

Takasugi froze. His gaze went cold. "I don't know."

"Takasugi."

He moved a bit back. "If you don't have anything to say in particular, then don't talk. Fuck me and go. Those kids are probably already worried."

Gintoki didn’t reach for him. Takasugi got up and walked through the room trying to reset his thoughts. He looked at his reflection. Along with the caresses, Gintoki untied not only his bandages but also his obi. The mirror reflected all scars and the weakened body. Who would even want to look at it? And the mutilated tired face. He heard it looked worse with the bandages on, that he shouldn't hide in under them, he didn’t have any scar in this place thanks to the clean-cut. Great, his eye had been gagged out when he was fully conscious, but at least it didn’t end up looking too ugly.

Takasugi moved his gaze away from the mirror. Gintoki was right. There was nothing good to see. Even if in his case it was a lie as he hungry watched Takasugi's moves. But that came in handy in their banters. Men fooled by desire were easier to manipulate, even if that wasn’t a way suitable for a warrior to use.

Takasugi gave a mirror one more glance. Only to make sure. There was nothing from a warrior in his reflection.

Gintoki kept quiet. Takasugi took that moment to recompose himself. Maybe it was a bad idea to reach to him this night...

He could do this. He wasn’t some fucking wimp breaking without a reason. He had a plan for this night. He could do it.

Takasugi took two bottles of alcohol and a pair of glasses. “You wanted to get drunk today before I interrupted you, didn't you?" He sat down next to him and pour liquor to only one of the glasses. He offered it to Gintoki. "So, drink. Don't bother that I'm here.”

"What is going on your head?" Takasugi smirked, but let him continue. "You would never let me just go."

Takasugi raised his brew. "Did I ever keep you by force?"

"Not with a blade to my throat, but you have your ways."

"Do I? I only suggest," he purred.

“What have you planned?” Gintoki repeated.

Takasugi reached to his sleeve and took out the rope. He put it down on the floor next to the bottles. That was his offer. No more games, only what was shown there.

Gintoki didn’t mock it. Good, it helped Takasugi keep his composure. He only stared at it for a bit with hard to read expression. He hesitated. “Would it be fun with me drunk?”

“One way to find out,” Takasugi answered.

“Okay.” Gintoki reached for the glass and took a sip before Takasugi moved to him with a rope. Its bonds went on the bare skin, around his wrists and arms securing them behind his back. Some went around his chest, these were mostly for Takasugi’s satisfaction. Luckily Gintoki used to wear converting clothing as his usual character design, cause after this night there would be red marks left. It just would be hard to explain, even in so family unfriendly shounen.

Takasugi used this moment to inspect every inch of his body. To feel the warmth of his skin, to see how the muscles worked against him and yet to be in control of it. Gintoki's body was scarred as well, but his scars were like war trophies, they told how fearless warrior he was. Some Takasugi knew, he saw how they were made, he could tell the heroic tales of this body. However, there were also a few somehow fresh injuries. It had been weeks from _that_ fight, but some still hadn’t faded.

"Ts, that's a fresh one. Is it from that last fight?" He looked Gintoki in the eyes. His thigh was bruised. Last time Takasugi saw him passing by, Gintoki was walking with crutches. He was too careless, but that could be said about both of them.

"It wasn't the easiest one."

"Huh, someone made you put effort?" His hands massaged Gintoki's lower thigh and knee. His gentleness was always perceived suspicious, so it didn't surprise him when this action was at first met with reluctance and tension. He could work it out.

"You know who."

Takasugi stopped his hands. He took a deeper breath. He could always put an act on. He could. But he let himself for this one slip through from his role.

He learnt about Gintoki's moves late, too late. He managed to pull some strings and somehow back him up, but... Depending on Sasaki's statement that night Oboro was there. Gintoki's state was proving it.

"You have such a high opinion on me, huh?" Takasugi tried to mask it with teasing.

"I know how you are."

Takasugi smirked. That was only a mask. His thoughts were still going around everything that might have gone wrong that night. How... He couldn't even put in words how fucked up Gintoki's action was. How a civil went from the street in the usual day to murder the ruler? How hard he had to fall on his head to become like that?

Takasugi could think of some reasons behind his behaviour. He didn't tell it out loud, but it was better to focus on than to think what if Gintoki didn't have that much luck that day.

Takasugi cupped his head in his hands.

_If I was some pretty girl weeping next to you, would you give me the world?_

Probably.

Really, in this life, nothing was as it should.

"What is going on in your mind?" Gintoki asked.

Takasugi smirked. "Do you really want to know? It's a pretty dark place."

"Stop..."

"I can talk. I can tell you all that is going on in my head.” _But you won’t listen. You never want to listen._

Gintoki only stared at him gloomily. Oh, did Takasugi speak _too edgy_? How could he help that his thoughts were working that way? How could any of them change how grim place their minds were becoming?

Takasugi poured the alcohol and raised the glass to Gintoki's lips. “Drink.” Gintoki hesitated. But in the end, he listened. When the glass was empty, Takasugi put it down and put his arms around Gintoki’s neck. “Let’s have some fun first, then I’ll talk.”

“When you drunk me too much to remember any of it?”

“Would you like to remember any of it?”

“No.”

“So let me make you forget.” Takasugi kissed him running his fingers through his hair. He clenched on them and pulled his head back to walked with his kisses down his neck.

Slower, he didn’t need to rush anywhere. He took a good look at what he made. He ran his fingers around the ropes. He was getting better at this. He could be sure Gintoki wouldn’t get out from it without his help.

Takasugi reached for the bottle. He had to make him drunk this night. “Drink,” he repeated putting once again the glass to his lips. “I chose the liquor to your liking.”

“It wasn’t hard.”

“But I did choose well.” He filled the glass once again. He tried it and smirked. Then he drank it all by himself and moved to Gintoki. He kissed him forcing the liquid down his throat. “I chose so well.”

“Shouldn’t be up to my liking?”

“You have a trashy taste.”

Gintoki wanted to come back with something, but since the first thought didn’t bring anything useful, he gave up. His gaze was becoming a bit unfocused. He was still too sober to tell him anything. He could laugh him off and remind him about it in the morning, but that would change. For now, they could have some fun.

Takasugi stood up and walked through the room. He avoided this time his reflection. It was too distracting.

He took his sword. In the sheath, it seemed harmless. Almost like a cane. He tried not to catch too much attention.

He unsheathed it. There was where the beauty began. The blade shimmered silverily greeting its master. Takasugi smiled and moved it as it was an extension of his arm. He put the blade to the Gintoki’s throat.

"All that game to kill me?" he mocked. He would be relaxed so much if he felt his life was in danger. He knew Takasugi wouldn't kill him like that by binding him up and making him drunk. No. They had still a score to set.

Takasugi moved the blade a bit higher. Under Gintoki's chin. Forcing him to look at him.

“Do you trust me?”

“I do,” Gintoki said without thinking. Almost as if he forgot about threatening blade. His eyes were focused on Takasugi and didn't wander anywhere. Good. That was how it was supposed to be, how it should always be.

Takasugi knew how to use his weapon. How to move it along the muscles barely scratching the skin. When it touched a bit closer to Gintoki's abdomen, he gulped. Scared? He should be. Stab in this place wouldn't kill him, so Takasugi would try it for his game.

He had other plans. He moved it along Gintoki’s cock with it dull side. He didn’t expect it to arouse the other that much.

“And who is sick between the two of us,” he murmured.

“You sure you didn’t put anything in that liquor?”

“Sure.”

“Then I guess we’re both sick.” He moved closer. The blade didn't move, so he leaned on it, trying to reach Takasugi.

With freehand Takasugi clutched his hair to raise his face to face his. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I just want to suck you off."

"How thoughtful of you."

"I'm getting easily bored," Gintoki smirked.

Takasugi pushed him back. In the bounds it was hard to keep balance, so Gintoki almost fell on the mattress.

"Getting bored, huh?" He grabbed him by his hair again. "Maybe I shouldn't be so nice to you."

"Are you ever nice to me?" Gintoki smirked.

"I can't let you get any cockier." He looked over Gintoki. His suggestion was that bad. He pulled him closer by the ropes.

Gintoki took his half-hard cock in his mouth. Takasugi ran his hand through his hair keeping him close. He should have taken into account Gintoki would like to do something to. His entire plan for that night just worthless mess. But maybe at least he got some pleasure from it.

Takasugi came in Gintoki's face. That was good. To hold Gintoki’s face covert in his cum in his hand. So good, it rushed his blood to crave for more.

Takasugi reached for the glass and filled it with alcohol again emptying the first bottle. He holds it as Gintoki swallowed it all with his cum.

Takasugi reached to the ropes once again. As if he wanted to check if they were put correctly. His fingers soon slipped from the ropes to explore the defenceless body. He stroked Gintoki’s cock. Slowly. As he hated the most, so the gratification would come after a long time and when he was close, he stopped.

Takasugi wanted him inside. He reached for the lube and prepared himself quickly. He glanced to the mirror how it looked out of curiosity. Nothing especially interesting, his body was in a bit awkwardly curled position, but Gintoki’s raging erection between his legs was telling that the show was still worth watching.

“You’re that vain?”

“Curious,” Takasugi brushed him off.

“If you take the rope off, I can fuck you pressing to it.”

“Prefer not.” Takasugi finally moved his eyes from it. He moved onto Gintoki’s cock. That was what he needed the most. That feeling of fullness. He rode him to get whatever he wanted. Gintoki wasn’t important in it at all. He came before Takasugi, but no one cared, his oversensitive cock was used until it played its role.

Takasugi moved from his cock. He felt cum running down his thigh. That wasn’t an enjoyable feeling. He looked back at the mirror. Now he even somehow liked what he was seeing. Gintoki lied down tired out, so Takasugi was topping over him on his knees spread over the sides of his waist, with cum was slowly getting down his thigh. His back was straight up, cause he stopped during raising. And his expression... That one was good. There was a faint smile on the flushed face. That feeling of accomplishment and hormones rush.

And as he watched himself, he noticed how soon it all crushed.

He turned his eye away and focused on keeping his expression from giving these feelings away as he returned to Gintoki to sit on his lap.

“Tired out already?”

“Shut up,” Gintoki grunted. “You’re opening the next bottle?”

“Yeah,” Takasugi reached for it.

Between caresses and drinking Takasugi caught when Gintoki became unfocused enough that he could start his story without the risk of it being remembered. The alcohol started to spill down from his unfocused mouth. It didn't matter. Takasugi wanted to bring him to this state when he had little control of his body. He didn't have to worry about anything, Takasugi would take care of it. Like spilt alcohol. He licked it off. And as he was at it, he let his lips wander across this ridiculously muscular body, judging by what kind of daily routines its owner had.

Takasugi took the ropes off. There was no longer a need for them. He massaged the reddened places after it.

That night was that bad after all. Unfortunately, Takasugi couldn't keep this facade for any longer. He still struggled to keep it going, but everything in him was breaking and failing.

“Remember how people used to look at you?" Takasugi asked still massaging Gintoki's arms. "At the beginning? Like you were a monster? No one dared to raise a hand against you. You were too terrifying, no one could win against you. And Shouyou liked you, no one wanted to cause him trouble apart from us. And so, you were a monster and I was the first one to tame you. So why couldn’t you be mine from that moment? What have I done wrong along the way? Was I too shy to claim my ownership?”

Takasugi let him go and looked down. Yeah, he screwed up everything. He poured liquor to the glass. He needed to be sure Gintoki would not recall anything from what he was about to say. He was already feeling how all the words were spilling from him. “I know, I could never own you, I know... Drink.”

Takasugi kept the glass by Gintoki's lips. “I'll make you forget that night. We will go on thinking it never happened.”

If only Takasugi could also make himself forget how he was going to shame himself. But did he still have any pride that it would hurt? It was only a painful reminder of its loss.

Takasugi put Gintoki's head on his lap and caressed his hair. Maybe hoping he would fall asleep and didn't hear anything. Or maybe... Or maybe Takasugi just wanted him close. Maybe he wanted this tenderness. In any other situation that would be mocked. Only now he dared to reach for it.

How pitiful. How pitiful was everything in his life?

“I wanted to kill myself, you know? Like, really. And I tried. I tried to do it. I tried cutting myself in so many spots, but all only turn into scars unrecognizable from the ones I had from the war. Maybe my body didn’t want to bear that much shame,” he laughed brokenly. “But I keep doing it and I keep talking about it. I’m not even asking anyone for help. I’m asking someone to notice, to hear me, to be here. That’s all. You can beat me up or shame me, whatever. Just fill that hole that keeps growing in me. You’re the one that caused it, after all. You’re the one that ripped everything important for me and walked away. I’m not letting you go away...” Takasugi clenched his fingers on Gintoki's hair for a moment. He let out the breath loudly and let go.

Takasugi poured one more glass, but he changed his mind before handing it to Gintoki. He didn’t want him to pass out too soon.

“I never succeed," he continued. Maybe because no one was listening. "Each time there was... There are too many thoughts at first, then you know exactly what you have to do, right, you shouldn’t be existing and you know how to fix it, and feels like it would fix everything, it would be good... But then you take a sword and if you don’t cut soon enough, there are even more thoughts. What will happen after? Not to me, I wouldn’t care. But to everyone around me. Who will find me? Who will cry? Who will feel disappointed? How many tasks will be left unfulfilled? And so you’re unable to cut. You just sit. You just cry. You just scream at the top of your lungs. No one cares. No one will show up and save you. It isn’t a fairytale, everyone has their own life. But by yours, you can disarray so many things that... You just end up sitting there and praying, that’s the only moment in your life when you pray. You pray for the goddamn lightning to come down and strike you through. You pray for some wrath of gods. You pray for their mercy, so they would end this pitiful, horrible life. But they don’t listen too. No one does. So you just curl up and wait. When you regain a bit of clearness, you stand up. And you’re walking through it with this one constant thought in your head: I want to die. Please. I want to die,” he stopped unable to get the words out. He took Gintoki's hand and put it on his neck. "Let me die, finally," he choked out.

Gintoki didn't tighten his grip. No matter how deep Takasugi's nail dug in. When the other got tired out by the outburst, Gintoki moved his hand up, to cradle his face, to stroke his cheek. Takasugi moved back from the caress with disgust. Not for the action nor the person, only to himself. Always to himself. There was nothing better to despite than himself. Maybe only... the other him, but that was the only person in the world he couldn't start to hate.

Takasugi stood up and walked through the room.

You can only count on yourself. If you want something to get done, you need to take care of it by yourself.

He reached for his sword. It was only an empty sheath. Where was the blade? He didn't know. He threw the sheath. It hit the mirror and shattered it. Good. If only it could shatter him like this. Where was his blade?

His eye was failing him. The other started aching. Remind of what it had seen.

Shut up, shut up, shut up. "Shut up!" he roared unconsciously curling down trying to cover his lost eye. He didn't want to remember. But his thoughts were getting so noisy.

If only someone could save him. End his suffering. If it only could happen...

He felt Gintoki getting closer. Slowly embracing him. For a moment Takasugi sank into it. He needed someone to be there, he needed...

He needed something else.

"Kill me," Takasugi murmured. "How angry I have to make you to do it? What a stupid thing I have to do?" He looked him in the eyes.

Gintoki was watching him so sadly, barely grasping what had just happened. Like a dog that came to help his owner even if he didn't know what was going on. And like a dog, all he got in return was a pat on the head.

Takasugi had to at least clean the mess he created himself. He tried to put himself into one piece. At this point, it felt like he was trying to patch himself with some poor quality glue. It was only temporary.

He pulled Gintoki to the bathroom. They needed to clean themselves. He turned on the water to fill the bath. He waited until Gintoki would pee.

Takasugi closed his eyes. How fucked up and without any sense was everything he was doing? He was just losing his mind. Maybe that was it. He was losing his mind and wanted someone to notice.

When the bath was ready, he manhandled Gintoki into it and got in too. He gently washed their bodies. He massaged all the places where the rope went. He hoped the marks would not cause too many troubles.

He took his time there. As always, praying this time he would melt and disappear with the water. So no one would notice.

Or, he leaned on Gintoki's chest, he could melt into him. So they would be always together and he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.

They together? That was probably the most worrisome thing in the universe.

He went out of the bathtub.

A firm shoulder to lean on would be nice, though.

He reached for the towels to keep his thoughts away. He quickly dried himself and then moved to help Gintoki.

“Why can't I change?" Takasugi spoke yet again. Cause his words didn't have any impact on the world around. "Why am I still broken and looking into my past? I can't be like this. Who would want that?”

“I would.”

Takasugi looked at him. His eyes cleared. Did he sober up a bit? It didn't matter. Any of their words mattered.

Takasugi went out of the bathroom. He didn’t know where to go. The plans ended. Or shattered. He didn’t know. Everything was so hazy. He reached for the last bottle and somehow ended back at the bathroom.

Gintoki waited for him. Patiently. He trained him well.

“We shouldn't let it got wasted,” Takasugi said trying to explain himself. He pulled Gintoki back to the room. They sat and mostly Takasugi emptied the remaining bottle. If onlI he could drown his demons in alcohol, his life would be so much easier.

“Gintoki? Who are you seeing in me? An enemy?” he tilted his head to one side. “A friend.” He titled it to the other. “Or...?” he stopped for a moment.

Takasugi shook his head. No, he didn't want to know that. That wouldn't help with anything.

He glanced at Gintoki. He was already looking at him. He was a good-looking bastard. Takasugi could use this image to calm down a bit if only Gintoki didn’t speak:

“I love you.”

Takasugi burst into laughing brokenly. “You’re so useless. So fucking useless.” He felt tears on his cheeks and Gintoki’s warm hands trying to wipe them off. Takasugi yanked his hands off him but pulled him closer. “Say that to me when you’re sober.”

 _Say that to me then, promise me that you would say that..._ No. That plea couldn’t escape Takasugi’s lips, so he only rested his forehead on Gintoki’s chest. Maybe that was for the better. What was the point of promises if Gintoki was breaking them? At least the ones he swore to Takasugi.

“Let’s go to sleep,” he said instead and pulled Gintoki back to the mattress. Lying down he cradled him in his arms like saying _you’re mine, you’re only mine_. Only to lull himself to sleep. As the tears ran down his cheeks cause he knew it was only a lie.

* * *

Takasugi was ruined. That was Gintoki’s first thought of seeing him in the morning. He woke up first and was already smoking as usual, but his expression and eye seemed like... So broken and lifeless. He fell apart during the night. And Gintoki wasn’t conscious enough to help him in any way.

Luckily, for drinking, there was always punishment.

Gintoki vomited. He managed to get to the bathroom, but it was worse hangover than usual. When he was done and only clenching on the toilet catching breath, he heard Takasugi coming close. Sick fucker.

“What have you done?” Gintoki asked.

“Nothing you wouldn’t do to me. Or rather nothing you haven’t already done to me.”

“Smartass,” Gintoki grunted.

 _I used you. But you used me so many times, so it’s alright, huh?_ That was what he meant. Then, sure, Gintoki deserved it all.

“Worst hangover in my life,” he sighed resting his head on the toilet bowl.

“It couldn't be the worst,” Takasugi said puffing out the smoke. “You tend to pass out from drinking. Yesterday you drank a bit less.”

“That says a lot about my life,” he laughed bitterly. Right he was trash.

“Drink and eat something.”

_No. Don’t be sweet while walking away._

“Takasugi,” Gintoki stopped him. “When I say I would leave the door open, I meant it.”

“Literally, huh.” Takasugi didn’t turn around. “What about kids? If they see me around?”

“Kids are easy to fool. We feed them some bullshit. You’re good in coming up with that... Will you come?”

“No.”

Gintoki expected it, but he still asked: “Why?”

"There is something big coming on,” Takasugi said and turned back to him. “I'd prefer you to stay out of it, but probably your Shinsengumi friends will put you right in the centre of it."

"It can't be resolved peacefully?"

"No. It's the only way... Why did it bother you?”

“You want to destroy the world I’m living in. Can’t I be a bit concerned?”

“You don’t give a shit about the world you’re living it.”

“So maybe I’ll care about you?”

Only a bitter smile showed on Takasugi’s face. It would be so much better if they stopped caring about each other.

“So what will you do?"

"I'll try to save everyone dear to me."

"Even me?" Takasugi leaned onto him. "Remember where that attitude brought us the last time? You can't save everyone."

"So what should I do?"

"Stay out of troubles. And leave me behind. Don't think of me as a friend or as a lover."

"Do you think I could forget about all what we've been through?"

"Then be prepare to lose everything again."

Takasugi walked away again. He was always like this after the war. Only a ghost of the past Gintoki could never catch. No matter how much he tried to.

**Author's Note:**

> I was writing the darkest parts of it back in February (writing takes a lot of time) right after I got dumped, so there was a lot of bad feelings I had to get out and this fic was one of the ways for me to do it. Overall this fic was about how much of my personal state I can project onto Takasugi, sorry if I screwed up his character due to that.
> 
> Next part should be up in two/three weeks. I'm starting to post soon other big series and I'm not sure how juggling between them will work for me.
> 
> Thank you for reading. Comments really help me, concrits are welcome and you can always find me on Twitter at @AkikoKitsune.


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